Monday, 20 July 2009

Went out for carvery yesterday, food was amazing. Enjoyed getting out of the house.
Still feel man trying to do too much to make his life more interesting, but he lost his temper at how forgetful he has become after his illness. It wasn't pleasant to be around his aggression.

Feel calm today, and a little nervous as is counsellor day.

Friday, 17 July 2009

long night

It was a long night last night. he's away at the wedding, so ordered chinese with my son, watched an old scary movie with my son, let him watch family guy while I facebooked, read papers, drank some bacardi. Then off to bed, spot QI to wind down, sleep...then bang, thunderstorms. Whiny dog, up and down for the next three hours, off to sleep finally and nightmares. He left me. Found someone he did actually love at first sight, and was out all the time wherever I went.
bloody dreams.
Did think of all those poor people in tents at latitude tho, I couldn't do that. The get muddy part, but not the cold and damp part!!

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Moving on?

Is this the first step.
I have a friend who thinks Im close to thoughts of suicide.
Im not.
I love my children far too much for even contemplating leaving them.
Overall, Im close to tears frequently, and trying to sort out thoughts in my head, process, analyse, work on.
We went out for a date last night. I didnt say too much, I wanted him to talk. he did, but yawned a lot too. I forget how ill he's been. He does get tired.
His words conflict with what has been said sometimes too. We talked about food, kids, decorating, counsellors and feelings.
But not about what had been done, or lied about. Thats coming.
But not yet.
I have two nights of clear home-he's away for family wedding tonight. Im not going, as his family believe that even he has had the all clear, I shouldnt have got upset with him over these emails to other women, or the love letter to his spanish woman.
I believe I should. And I defy anyone who caught their husband spouting he loved another woman and wanted to get to her, away from his home, and has been wishing it for 8 years, to not get upset/angry. and to still remain here.
If I had the money and freedom, would I remain here. Possibly not. Do I love him, yes I do.
Not as much love and respect there now tho. mmm.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Had counselling session yesterday.
Really helped with the dreams. Im not afraid to go to sleep anymore.
Its amazing how much you drag into your sleep process. Suddenly Im really tired tho.

As for the man thing - do you really ever forgive? you definitely dont forget. I wish I could ask all the questions and get all the answers. Is is worth throwing away the man? Especially knowing he is a good man. He just doesnt care about hurting me. He loves me, but how does he love me? hell if I know.

Decorated the living room. Feels good. Man thinks its something to do with me selling the house.
I have no intention of selling the house, it just takes my mind off things and makes everybody feel better about something.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Okay, tough day yesterday.
Found out that husband hadn't told the truth-well okay he had, but had omitted details because I hadn't asked the right direct question.
I got in touch with his 'Im in love with you forever girl' in Ibiza, to let her know all the things that had happened.
She got in touch today, and said she cant find the words now, will mail me later.
My son was admitted to hospital last night as he had a head injury, panick! I had daughter 2 years ago, husband this year, and now son????
Luckily he is okay, scrapes and concussion-phew
My life is still good tho, and work is great la-la-la!!!

Thursday, 9 July 2009

sleep? dreams? anger?

Okay, dreams, second time I visited a fairground in three nights. Any ideas what this one means? your guess is as good as mine.
A little mad today, that still no flowers or lving reactions. I get sex quick and fast, and I get hugs and cuddles.
Got a bit mad he cannot wait to see me topless on holiday? what does that mean? as he flirted with everyone else and wanted to see them topless, does it mean he's still a lech and perv like other men? or does it mean he wants to lech and perv over his wife which could be a good thing? and then your mind drifts on to what a pig you are with, and the bad things he's done to you.

I should be saving the relationship and moving on-forget the past right?

Work still good tho, and kids are fab x

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Sessions and the day

and today?
Talked through everything with my husband, had to write down my dreams as counsellor instructed.
What were my dreams?
Looks like this on paper:
Working hard til late, had to leave early because the world was full of white monkeys that would catch you on the way to the parked cars. and they were not nice monkeys.

Now what the hell does that mean?
Also supposed to write down how I feel when Im with my husband, when Im about to meet him, and when Im thinking about him.
Thats harder than the dream bit.

Today, work, lots of babies hand and foot cast to finish, need the money in to pay the bills.
Love my work, but wish I had the freedom and finance to create more.
Had a gorgeous mail from a client who collects serious artist's work. I want more chances to create-they have backed my work.
Never mind-bit of music and sunshine-I'll be happy to work!